One would think that after 1 year, 8 months, and 23 days things wouldn’t be so difficult anymore, but they are. Everything that I do reminds me of you. I am trying so very hard to be courageous and stand up tall and strong…I would rather just lay down and cry. Sometimes I do. On the bathroom floor, underneath the bed so the kids can’t hear me, in the closet, the car, or on the couch. I guess I cry wherever I need to, as long as I am alone. I do my best not to cry in front of our babies, because then they just get sad. They think that they need to fix things and they can’t. The first time that the kids and I were in a plane after you left us, your mini-me wanted to ask me where you were. I could see it in his eyes as he stared out the tiny window and into the miles of clouds. He inquired about whether God was in the clouds. When I started to cry because I could sense the direction of the conversation, he decided not to ask me where you were. I realized there, thousands of miles in the sky, that he would forever be looking to find you in whatever space he could in this universe. He has discovered that you are not in the clouds, I wonder where he will discover your absence next.
I still cannot believe that you are gone. I cannot believe that I was not there with you to hold your hand and tell you that everything would be alright. I wish that I was there whispering your soul peacefully into heaven with my words of love, my kiss on your lips, and the assurance of my hand in yours. I remember how the gesture of you taking my hand in yours would melt all my worries away. Everything that was on my heart would leave me the instant your fingers wrapped around mine. I miss that and I HATE that I couldn’t provide you with that same feeling in your last moments. I imagine the screaming and the turmoil that occurred when everyone realized you were not alright. I imagine it in such a vivid manner that I almost feel like I could have been there. But I wasn’t. I try and remember all the things that you said about what you were doing. I try and believe that your life and my pain is worth it all, but I just can’t get there. I just can’t get there.
Today I am not angry. I am just sad. There are days were I am raging with emotions all across the spectrum. There are even days where I am happy, almost blissful, but inevitably that feeling dissipates when I remember that you are gone. I would give almost anything to have you come back to me. I say that all I want is one more minute with you. One more minute to hug you, kiss you, and tell you that I love you. The truth is that I want a lifetime. I want the lifetime that we were not promised, but that we had planned. I think that is only fair…don’t you?
Just remember…I will love you always & forever,
The girl with the Sunflower eyes who stole your heart…