It is not the common holidays that are difficult for me. Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, they are all “easy” to get through. It is the personal holidays that we shared that threaten to rip my heart out. We have a series of 21sts. We met on March 21st, 2005. Our engagement occurred on June 21st, 2006 and subsequently that night we also conceived our 1st son who was born on March 21st, 2007. Our second son was born April, 21st 2009. I bet there are other random 21sts that I don’t even remember, but those ones are some of the days that are ours. My birthday is quite insignificant. Since I celebrate it with our daughter it is important, but it is also overshadowed by the memory of all the times you missed it, including the time you left for Iraq on my birthday. Our anniversary is always right around Thanksgiving. This past year I celebrated them in one. I cooked for the whole family just so that I didn’t have to think about it, it didn’t work that well. I thought about you all day long. September 7th, 2005 is the day that I told you that you had to be all in or all out. We had barely been seeing each other a two weeks, but I knew, so I was going to make sure you understood what I felt in my heart. That day could have completely backfired, but it didn’t. October 3rd, 2005 is the day that I proudly stood among other wives and family members and watched you be promoted to Sergeant. I remember standing next to the bush crying. It was an awesome moment for me and it filled me with a deep pride.
I am in, what I refer to as, my hard months. It seems like I am crying more these days. I feel like my world is cracking at the little things like spilled milk. The bigger things make me feel like Earth is crashing into the sun. There is such a desperation from day-to-day. I pray that it ends soon, but I know that it will not. May will be good, for the most part. I have to sit through a Ballet recital without you, last year I cried the entire way through. I will anticipate June and once I get through our engagement anniversary comes year number 2. I just can’t believe that it will be 2 years. It has become its own new personal holiday. The only thing that I have managed to do on that day is clean. I cleaned the day I found out, I cleaned last year, and I anticipate that not much will change for this year. The beginning of July is full of personal holidays because they mark last emails, conversations, and instant messages. Once August rolls around I will be exhausted and ready for your Birthday so that September and October will come and go and I will finally have some peace through the common holidays. I am desperate for sleep in these hard months. I can’t help but count, 1 down, 7 or so more special days to go…
Just remember….Always and Forever.
The girl with the Sunflower eyes who stole your heart