Soulmates…

I don’t think that there is in any book on earth an accurate description of what a soulmate really is. Maybe that is because a soulmate can mean very different things to different people or maybe it is because the books that I have read do not describe what I experienced.   At one point in my life a soulmate was someone who I could not imagine living without. A soulmate was sort of a mystical or spiritual idea that would fill me up, remove any question from my mind, and would cause the whole world to make sense to me. I felt like I was “one of the lucky ones” because I believed that I truly met my match, my soulmate, and the only one that could possibly comprehend what it was like in my world. Michael was that to me. We had one of those weird connections that people talk about, but that no one believes is true. When he was deployed overseas and something happened that frightened him or excited him, I knew in an instant. He would call to tell me that he was alright, because he knew that I knew something had happened, and before he could get out a hello I would say “What happened?” Normally he would tell me that he was fine and he would tell me about everything when he could. In other words, he would tell me when he was safely home.  We both had this compelling feeling when we met each other that we were meant for each other, but we were cautious because we both had been hurt before.  I was not going to let him in, regardless of what my heart told me, if I thought there was a chance he would let me down.  We had barely been dating two weeks when I gave him an ultimatum.  I told him he had to either be in it all the way, or we were finished.  He chose to be in it all the way and it was one of the happiest days of my life with him.  From that point on our love was like a wildfire, it was uncontrollable.  It grew, and it grew, and grew, and grew FAST.  I believe that our longing to be near each other and our passion for one another would have carried us through a thousand storms and over as many mountains as necessary throughout our life.  I believe that we would have been one of those old couples people see and say, “Awwww, I want to be just like them someday!”  We won’t get that chance though…and in Michael’s final moments our soul connection did not fail me.  I woke from a heavy sleep and I felt like everything that was a part of me and who I was had been sucked out of me.  I felt his death in my soul and it was a terrible feeling.  I tried to ignore it.  I tried to not believe it.  I tried to trust that nothing had gone wrong.  But, all the trying in the world didn’t keep the uniforms from coming that morning to tell me that my soul was right.  I have often thought about our connection and wondered if he could feel my love as he struggled to take his last breaths.  I hope that he did, I hope that our connection did not fail him.  Just as much as I felt everything that was wrong with him when he was gone, he felt everything that was wrong with me.  So I hope that as Michael closed his eyes and drew his last breath he closed off the chaos around him and he knew that I was there holding him and loving him.

Soulmate.  What does that mean to me now?  It still means everything that it did before.  Michael will most likely always remain the person in my life that I had the deepest spiritual connection to.  I like to think of him now as my “soul match” because we were always perfectly in sync.  I have met someone who I want in my life, and that I need in my life.  It is different from Michael.  Michael and I did not have to work for our love.  We were content seeing the same movies, listening to the same music, going to the same places, or just being in the same room together with no purpose.  Our personalities were complimentary too.  When I was up he was down, when he was down I was up.  We were never on the same “personality page” but strangely it made sense.  It was a beautiful almost unrealistic symmetry or balance that rarely found conflict.  This new person and I are the opposite.  We don’t generally want to see the same movie, listen to the same music, or enjoy going to the same places.  Our personalities are exactly alike.  Our moods fluctuate in tandem (75% of the time) and that all means that things are a little harder.  We have to work for our love.  I think that in both cases the love came naturally.  But with Michael it was easy and with my new love it is like a vine that slowly reaches itself to its own perfect and full beauty.  I wonder what my definition will become…I sure hope that there are different kinds of soulmates considering I have fallen in love with two very different men.

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