My Little Miracle

Every time I see my grandma she says the same three things.  The first is “Come over here and give me a hug, you and your children are so beautiful.”  Which is generally followed with how lucky she is that all her grandchildren are so beautiful and have given her beautiful grandchildren.  The second thing that she says is “I love you.”  And somewhere along the visit she will tell me, “Amy, you are a miracle.  I will never forget how you saved your Mom, you are a miracle.”  I always thought the last thing was quite silly.  I am not special, at least I don’t think that anything sets me apart from my brother or sister.  But it never fails, every time I see my Granny she tells me that I am a miracle.  She tells everyone that will listen exactly how I saved my Mom.  I never understood how me, simple Amy, could be a miracle, until now.

My youngest, my precious baby boy Landon is two today, and I believe that he was an extra special gift from God.  Don’t get me wrong, all of my children are beautiful gifts from God, but Landon got the job of being Mommy’s reason to live.  After Michael died I did not want to go on.  I literally wanted to lay down and die.  My Mom stepped in for the first two weeks and took over taking care of my daughter and my oldest son.  She stayed with me for a few days until I told her to go home, when she went home I was headed to Dover so she took them with her.  My youngest stayed with me.  Landon was only 10 weeks old and he needed me to feed him.  That was my job.  I needed him to let me hold him, kiss him, and have a reason not to give up.  He has been by my side almost non-stop since he was born.  With the exception of my trip to Ireland and a few nights here or there where he spends the night with my sister or mom, he is always with me.  In the beginning I cried a lot.  Every morning I cried for hours.  They were my worst moments because I would wake up and realize my nightmares are actually my life.  I could get up, shower, feed the kids, do everything that I had to do, all the while crying.  I can only imagine the turmoil that probably caused for Olivia and Michael… Eventually I got to the point where I would wait until the kids were at school to let go.  But I was never really alone, my baby was always with me.  During the day it is him and I against the world.  So, he gets the brunt of my breakdowns and tears.  It never fails that every time Landon sees Mommy cry he either hugs me or smiles as big as he can, as long as he can about two inches from my face.  He generally refuses to stop until I crack a smile.  When I look at my little guy I think about the last two years and how he was my miracle.  I think about how I might have given up if he hadn’t been so small, so fragile, so in need of not just a grandma or an aunt, but a Mommy.  Just like I “saved” my Mom when she was in a deep emotional pit, I was saved by my son.  Eventually I was able to recognize that all three of my children needed me to be a strong Mommy and they all keep me moving forward every day.  However, I will always remember how my little guy comforted me in my worst moments…and still does.

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