20 months

We use months to describe how old our babies are until they are two.  We use months to talk about how much longer our kids have left before Summer vacation, or how long we have been in a relationship.  We also use months to calculate how much time we have been without people that we love.  I am at 20 months.  Does that mean that in two more months I have to start using years?  I hate years…they sound so long.  Yesterday was exactly 20 months since Michael died.  It was also Mother’s day.  Weird coincidence.  Things were not perfect yesterday, they did not go as I planned they would at all.  I have so many happy Mother’s Day memories with Michael that his absence was magnified.  I felt it so intensely this weekend that it was really hard to smile.

However,  I think that I have one of the sweetest little boys in the world.  Yesterday, while Michael and Landon were eating their breakfast Michael’s face light up and then he said, “Happy Mother’s Day, I LOVE YOU!!”  It was as though someone whispered a reminder in his ear.  I am not really one of those people who think Michael is super involved with our lives after his death or that he was the one that did the reminding.  I just think Little Michael remembered and told me.  I think Michael’s presence in our lives is in our hearts and our memories….I am sure that I could find him in everything that I do.  I could make myself do that, but then I am not sure what kind of life I would be living then.  Anyway,  I have really missed him.  I really feel when I look at my kids and all that they do, that he is missing something great.  My kids are a blessing from above and I feel lucky that I have them despite the months that have ticked by without Michael.  They make it better most days…

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