You taught me something that I often forget until it is too late. I am worth it. When you met me I had been beaten down with life. At the end of my tunnel there was only darkness and it was that way for a long time. Through your first deployment I still really didn’t get what I meant to you. I just hoped that in the end of it all everything would work out. I hoped that things done and said wouldn’t matter as long as we were together. That was the way that it ended up being and for that I know that I am lucky. Things could have turned out very differently for me and really it would have been at my own doing.
Anyway, from the beginning you told me that I was worth it. You expected me to expect the best from you and from everyone. I have failed at that. I have let friends walk all over me. I have let friends not care about me. I have essentially been the best friend to others that everyone needs and have not required anyone else to be the same type of friend to me. My family says that I am difficult to live with. I know they said it to you many times. There is a running joke that any man who takes me on is a GOOD man and a STRONG man. I do have a strong personality and strong opinions, but when it comes down to it, I am a people pleaser. I don’t want to do anything to upset anyone, but somehow I manage to always do it anyway. I have this friend, you know her, that has been in my life for a very long time. She was there even before you were there. I thought that we would just always be friends…but I don’t think so anymore. It is hard to figure out how to reconcile my heart with the reality that she may have been in my life all of this time, but that doesn’t mean that she was an active part of my life. Little instances are popping up and things are all clicking into space and I feel terribly hurt. My reality now is that my closest friend is Frank. I know that until God takes one of us away from the other, that he will be there for me no matter what. I guess that I just always thought I would have one of those fantastic girlfriends and we would have junk food sleepovers well until our gray years. I am sure that works out for some people, but it is not in the cards for me.
I am happy with Frank and the kids and spending all of my time with them, but it can also be depressing to know that there are people who don’t think that my friendship is worth it. The field of people in my life narrows every day….in the end I know who and what is important to me, but it doesn’t make everything feel any better.
The girl with the Sunflower eyes…