Two years

TWO YEARS.  Humph! It is no secret that I don’t like today…but I swear today was worse than today last year. Really, the eve of today was even ten times worse. Last night Frank and I talked a lot about Mike. Frank said if it had been him he would want me to be happy and find a way to move forward, he also said he believes Mike was an unselfish man and that he wouldn’t want me in pain…there was a lot more that went into the conversation, but that was the basics. At some point I started to cry. We were talking about Mike and my relationship…the ups, the downs, the in between, and I could not contain myself anymore. I cried harder than I have cried in a long time. Frank drew me close and assured me that I was safe and I could cry for every moment that I held it back before and beyond. I did just that. In fact, I cried until I puked and I puked until I dry heaved and I dry heaved until I gave up took a vicodine and a anti-nausea pill, and then I cried some more and I cried until I slept.

This morning I cried as I fed our horse Cookie, and when I was alone in my room again I cried until fell asleep. After the kids woke up, I explained the importance of today….here is where things get a little funny. I decided that today we would recreate moments with Daddy. Bacon. Pancakes, Popcorn & Candy. Video games. First I cooked a pound of bacon. This might not seem like a big deal to many but it was to me. It is a fond memory of mine. When Olivia was a baby I worked late night…often until three in the morning. So she always spent Friday and Saturday with my parents. On Sunday Mike would get up, inevitably naked (I know TMI), and cook me a pound of bacon. He knew how much I LOVED bacon. I declare it as my favorite meat. Anyway, we would eat it on the couch or in bed together. Like I said, TMI….but whatever. When I worked less and my Mom went back to work, Olivia ended up spending the weekends at home. Every Saturday Michael would make her banana pancakes or banana-chocolate chip pancakes.  They were their favorites…so this morning, we made pancakes in honor of Daddy.  Oh, and of course…a WHOLE ENTIRE POUND OF BACON. It was great and I was able to smile. After that I wrote my poem, folded two weeks worth of laundry and cried a lot.  I cried for myself mostly, and all of my pain.  I know Michael is better off where he is, but it is hard to allow that to be a comfort.  After the kids ate breakfast they played A LOT of Super Mario Brothers on the DS…which Mike and I played together as I was fat and pregnant and he was waiting to leave for Afghanistan.  Bittersweet. Tonight is movie night…so we made a ton of popcorn and the kids got to put their favorite candy in it, just like Daddy.  Every time we went to the movies Michael got a huge popcorn with tons of butter and he dumped a whole bag of Reese’s Pieces into it.  Try the Mike special…it is pretty good.  Of course, the kids substituted with M & M’s but it is still great to remember Michael in the ways that we have today.

I am sad.  So very sad.  And I miss Michael more than I ever can explain.  I don’t think that this life that I have been handed has been a fair life, but I am trying really hard to believe in a reason.  I know God’s hand rests in everything we do, but it is still hard to find the reason.  I miss my husband.  So very much.  But I am still blessed, with my children, with Frank’s unconditional love, with the family that sticks by my side, and I cannot ignore that.  Despite my pain, I cannot ignore that.

I think today may have been harder than last year.  My emotions are so raw and open now.  I have someone that allows me to let all of my emotions to pour out.  I am grateful for that, because without Frank I believe that I would be closed up and stuck in a place where all I could do was miss Mike.  Instead I am in a place where I can miss him and I can love someone too.  I get it.  A lot of people don’t agree that I moved on, no less, that I moved on with Frank, but those people also haven’t taken the time to know me, my pain, and what I am about.  Not to mention, they have not spent time with Frank and I and witnessed the tender way in which he treats me and the children.  With Frank I am in a better place…and no one on this Earth could have guided me to that place but him.

Today, as everyday, I miss my always love…Mike…but I am grateful for my forever love…Frank.  I would not be able to make it through this world without them, my kids, or God’s love.  Today, remember Mike’s love, his smile, his grace…and if you didn’t know him…trust my words…he was a wonderful, honorable, and mostly humble (haha) man, husband, father, son, grandson, brother, nephew, cousin, Uncle, friend, and Marine.  He will be missed by me until I meet him again in eternity.

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