GHOST

DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE A MARSOC MARINE AND YOU WANT TO LIKE ME TOMORROW…hell…what do I care??? GO AHEAD!

I am in a whirl of frustration tonight.  I was at one of MARSOC’s office buildings and there was a poster on the wall that said “No MARSOC ghost will ever say they or their leaders were not trained…” I forget the rest, but you get the gist.  I literally wanted to rip the poster off of the wall, tear it into pieces, throw it to the ground, and burn it.  First of all, incidentally this is in 3rd MSOB’s building and Mike is the only “ghost” they have. Second (and mostly),  I think that the poster is a lie.  I was ALWAYS comfortable with Mike’s comrades when he was a part of ATBN (and the PSD), but not once was I comfortable with the team that he deployed with last and essentially died for.  Michael and I both had an awful feeling the whole deployment.  I actually feel lucky that he even made it home for Landon’s birth and that this did not happen sooner.  Anyway, I feel as though the team was haphazardly slapped together without any real rhyme or CLEAR reason.  I know that many times Michael talked about how uncomfortable he was with his team members, how he didn’t exactly trust them, and he didn’t like some of them.  Now…let me just say that this was not across the board, but the people that he left here trusting, were not the people he ended up trusting in the end.  There are a handful of wives and guys from the team that I still talk to when I can (and they all know who they are), the others I don’t talk to for a reason.  I don’t think that they are good people.  I know that being on that team changed Michael into a person that at times was unrecognizable.  There was this one person that I cannot even look at today because a week before Michael died I spent 45 minutes on the phone trying to talk Michael down from beating the crap out of the guy.  I STRONGLY DISLIKE the guy.  I think he is an arrogant jerk and that there is no place for him in MARSOC, let alone the military.  I am sure that will sound harsh, but what do you expect??  I looked forward to those phone calls, to Michael getting to talk to the kids  and laugh with us.  Instead, I had to explain Michael out of his rage because one guy wouldn’t leave him the hell alone.  Stuff happened that I will never know about and that bothers me.  Not a damn person from the team will ever actually tell me the full truth, I know that and I have to live with that, and it freaking sucks.  There are several times where Michael called me stressed out, upset, ready to blow, and when he heard my voice he would say, “It doesn’t matter, I will tell you all about it when I get home.”  He probably told me more than a Marine was supposed to tell their wife.  He told me a lot about things he did, about things that scared him, close calls, long shots (literally long shots), and our after deployment truth-telling sessions were robbed from me this last time. 

Anyway,  I just think that poster was fucked up.  Michael’s team was ill-equipped for what they did in Afghanistan.  No, I wasn’t there, but I have enough damn e-mails from Michael to decipher the fact that he was concerned about fighting with the people he was fighting with.  Not to mention, I don’t know too many teams that are completely broken up and individuals are sent to other teams or jobs or locations after the fact, but Michael’s was.  I really want to bitch about a lot of things but I know there are Marines who will think that just because I am a wife I do not know what I am talking about.  However, I will go out on a limb and say that if Michael was with the guys from his first two deployments on his final deployment, if he had been with those guys who were all equally well-trained, he would have come home.  Maybe it is wrong of me to think so but since Michael was the only guy in three deployments to not come home alive…I think I might just be right. God, I am so tired of MARSOC and their high and mighty attitude.   I think that most of it is a freaking joke and there isn’t much special about them.  Sounds crazy, but it scares the shit out of me that Frank is in MARSOC too.  He has come home with enough migraines because of that place.  I don’t want him working for an organization that can’t get their heads out of their asses long enough to breath.  Stupid, bad, motivational posters!! Screw MARSOC and thank God I don’t believe in ghosts or I would be sending Michael’s ghost butt to set that poster straight.

One thought on “GHOST

  1. I am sorry your so unhappy amy I wish there was something I could do to help but i was only a military wife for a little over a year so I dont know as much as anyone else but I will be here for you and I will pray that you get comfort from this situation and just know michael is prob in heaven trying to talk you down from your frustrations so just remember that he loved you with all his heart and he is still there when you need him!

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