Without You


It seems that everything is tainted with a bit of sadness without you. I can be so very happy in my heart and my general mood, but also feel a very deep sense of sadness. In those moments I cannot help but to cry, even through my smiles. Olivia, our baby girl, played in a soccer tournament this weekend. She asks a lot if I think if you are watching her, I always tell her you are. I don’t know if that is the truth or a lie, but I tell her anyway. It makes her feel better. I don’t know if it is true because I think that if you were watching what you are missing it would make you sad, and that would just be cruel of God to do to you. But, I tell her “yes” because I don’t know the answer. She wore the dog tags you left in your truck around her neck the first day, the second day we tucked them into her shoe. They were still on the same green cord until this morning when she asked if she and Michael could each have one to wear. Putting them around her neck made me proud, and very sad. I wish you were here to see it all. I wish that you weren’t missing a single moment of their lives. I cannot get over the fact that it just isn’t fair. I know, life isn’t fair. But I always thought the things that wouldn’t be fair would be me not getting the job I wanted, or something along those lines. I never thought the thing I would consider the least unfair in my life is your death at 25. Unfair for us, and despite what people say about you being in a better place, unfair for you. Anyway, I sat in your truck and I cried, for what you are missing, because you were not there, and because I just miss you. I don’t want to do the 25th without you, not one more time, but the reality is that I will probably have many more without you.

I know. I know I have a good life and I know I have our children and I know that I have Frank and that I am blessed and loved. All that does not erase the fact that it is hard without you. I have to have all the answers for everyone, when I have none. I have to be strong and keep moving forward, when all I want is some time to be weak and lay in my misery. I want to feel it so that I am not just moving forward, but moving on. I won’t ever forget you, but I want to move on. To be alright. To not feel like there is a piece of my heart and soul forever missing. Is that even possible? I have too many questions and I am always left wondering. You always had the answers….

I love you handsome…always and 4-ever.

The thief with the Sunflower eyes who stole your heart…

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