“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.” – Stephen Edwin King
I have not written a post dedicated to Frank and my love for him because I simply do not have the words. This past weekend I tried to explain my love for him and nothing sounded right or complete coming out of my mouth. It sounds too cliché to say, “Frank is amazing!”. He is amazing, but not for the reasons that most people would immediately think, so it just becomes cliché. He is amazing because he is him. Not because he is super hot, has a smile that melts your heart, and is a true gentlemen. He is amazing because he didn’t run scared when I told him that my kids are first, always (that’s integrity). Instead, he took it to heart (that’s amazing). If you couldn’t tell by watching him (which isn’t possible) and you had to ask him, he would tell you that his number one priority is making the kids happy. The kids aren’t just my kids anymore either, they are his. That might bother some people to hear that, but I simply do not care anymore. It is true, and it does not diminish Michael’s role in our lives. He is still here with us, he is still their Daddy, but Frank is their parent, their role model, and their Dad too.
Swallow that pill quickly and keep reading.
Right next to the kids being a priority is me. He is not amazing because I am a priority. I would not have it any other way. He is amazing because he loves me. NOT, he loves me even though I am a widow with three kids or he loves me even though others think it is wrong and have given us grief. He just loves me. I am difficult to love. I am off the wall crazy all the time and he sits beside me and holds my hand and he just loves me because that is the only place that he wants to be. Even when he is at work, or off somewhere training, he wants to be right here with my crazy ass all the time. To say that he loves me despite what people think or despite the fact that I am a widow would be wrong. Those two things do not, have not, and cannot enter into being a factor in our relationship. What is true is that he simply loves me for me, all of me, and for no other reason other than I am me. In fact, he relishes in me, even the parts of me that would totally freak other people out.
He is amazing because he understands that losing Michael is different for me than it is for anyone else. Not to mention, he carries the burden with me. He knows my “dates”, my moods, and when to just leave me in the closet. He doesn’t question them, all he does is hug me and tell me that he loves me, which is all I usually need. On rare occasions, when I use his shirt still on his body like a hanky, he just wraps his arms around me and waits for me to be okay. Sometimes I feel guilty for my pain (because of how it affects Frank), sometimes my anxiety takes over me, and Frank is calm and calming. I don’t know how he does it. He has a strength that I don’t have, but I guess that he would probably say the same thing about me.
I lost Michael and I didn’t think that there was anyone wonderful left on the Earth, and I was wrong. It sucks and it is painful and I wish none of this ever happened to me or my children, but I am also so very grateful that I was so very wrong. I am not going to say that there is a reason for everything, or that “God has a plan.”, because I think that those explanations are what people say to me when they are trying to make themselves feel better. And also, I think it is bullshit to say that about what we have been through, but I will say that I am where I am supposed to be in my life as it is now. I had a plan, that plan changed. The road to this new plan has been awful and terrible, but it is my life. I would change a lot if I could about things that have happened before, but I wouldn’t change anything about my life now (except maybe how much time Frank and I get together-I WANT MORE!!!) and where I am headed. Frank is my calm in the storm. He is what grounds me completely. He is my unexpected love, my partner, my friend, and my life (along with my children), from here on out. He is my Frankers…no one else can claim that.
Have a goodnight….