Don’t want to say good-bye…

If there is one thing that I learned it is that we cannot live our lives bound by the things that we cannot change or do not like.

I am getting ready to say “goodbye for now” to my Love.  This is difficult for me, I don’t want to watch an airplane take him away from me one more time.  It has been a rough year already…only one month together and now I won’t get to see him until I am 30!!!  That sounds more serious than it is, but it is a long time.  I can’t really say very much about his job and so forth.  But he will be gone so that doesn’t really matter…

The kids I know will take this especially hard.  I am most worried about Olivia and Landon.  Michael is resilient in his own way, nothing seems to get under his tough skin.  Alright, nothing except Olivia or Landon!  Olivia is sensitive, especially about people leaving.  Even at her age she doesn’t understand that this is not like before.  Landon is coming to his own understanding about his “two Daddies”.  He calls Frank his “Daddy that is alive” and Michael is his “Daddy that died”.  I am sure that will bother some people, but his knowledge right now consists of words that describe their state in his life.  Michael is not here, Landon does not remember him, but he most certainly knows him.  Over the next year he will come into a greater awareness of what is missing in our lives and unfortunately as this occurs it will be both of his daddies.

Me.  I am a big baby.  I try and be strong, but I am a big baby.  I am going to be going to school and trying to take care of the kids and missing Frank…well I just don’t want to do that all at the same time!!  I know I won’t be able to sleep.  I can never sleep without him.  I will be anxious most of the time…and all of it, the kids and their emotions, mine, our obligations will inevitably take a toll.  I don’t want to sound like I am complaining…because I am really not.  I am just not prepared.  I could complain about that part of it and whose fault it is…but I won’t.  I am just not ready for another airport departure.  I want to be selfish and keep Frank all to myself.  Yet, I am proud for him and the things that he does, even if it means that he rarely is home.

I never anticipated being in this spot again, but here I am, preparing to say good-bye to someone that I love more than the air that I breathe.  I am going to try my best not to let myself get caught up in what is missing.  I can’t change it, I don’t like it, but I don’t have to let it completely take over…but it probably will at least for a little while.  This is just our life…

The only thing that I can say definitively is that I am glad I have Frank to miss…and I know that the separation will hurt his heart as much as it will hurt mine.  Here’s to (after) 30…may it come faster than any other year of my life.

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