Heaven and Mike is a difficult concept for me. This is not because I do not think he is there. I most certainly do. In the beginning, when I was so scared and angry I used to wonder where he was. I even promised myself that if I somehow figured out he was in Hell (or whatever your alternative of Heaven with the Lord is) that I was going to work real hard to get where he was. It made sense at the time. Anyway…Heaven is hard for me. I wonder if it is like I imagine. Is Michael happy and enjoying eternity? Is he dancing and singing and smiling? Does he look the same? Can he really see me?? I don’t have the answers to any of this…sure we can surmise…but none of us really know. I used to think that it would be cruel of God to allow Michael to see the kids and I. I used to think that it would be like torture…to see everything at least. The tears, the pain. Maybe even me moving forward. Would that be painful for him to watch? I don’t know. I don’t know what I think about all of that anymore. I do know that if he sees anything I hope he sees that I am living and that I am able to smile.
I don’t know where I am at right now. I just know that my heart is hurting and I have questions. My questions used to be different…and they basically centered around that day and how this could even happen, but I care little about that now. I got most of my answers and it didn’t change a thing…so now my questions are different. I wonder if Michael was scared. I wonder if those last minutes were spent in fear or if he was comfortable with what he already believed to be his truth. I wonder if he would say, “My work is done.” I know that Michael made an impact on a lot of people and a lot of people would say that he died doing what he loved…and he did really cherish the Marine Corps and his job…but he did not die doing what he loved. He died doing his job. He died doing what he felt was his duty. What he loved in this world was something entirely different…so when people say that, it is hard for me to swallow…because I know that they didn’t truly take the time to get to know his heart. I think that no matter what, Michael’s life would have ended with him doing something to protect others, because that was just the kind of man that he was. But…was his work done? What was his work? I know that he saved me. He really did. He taught me a lot about myself and life and love. He gave me hope. Was repairing me his purpose? If so, I wonder why he had to heal me so quickly…why couldn’t his time have lasted longer? Like I said, I wonder if he was scared. I am guessing that in the face of it all he was. I wish someone had told him it was okay. His life was complete. That I loved him and he didn’t need to be scared. I wish someone had told him something. I wish there had been time for someone to hold his hand…because that is what I would have done. It is what I would have done.
I am in a raw place. Maybe it is that we are in mid-June. Maybe it is because I had time to think tonight. I don’t know where it came from. It just came and I am exhausted from it so I am going to bed…but I just had to get it out. I am trying to get it out more so that I have less days that are highly emotional. I am sure that I will still cry every day. I haven’t had a day where I don’t, I hope that someday I do…I don’t want to sit in this forever.
*If you have thoughts that are in anyway answering any question I posed, please stop, I don’t want answer today. I just want to feel my own thoughts*