Week four & Father’s Day

Each moment in life is precious in their own way…they define, they change, and they create who we are.

This week has been LLLOOOOONNNNGGGGGG!!!! I finished two classes, Olivia has been in intensives for the Nutcracker, and we had 4 games this week. So glad that is over. I’m proud to say that Frank was selected this week for promotion…so in the next few months he will be a Gunnery Sergeant. I’m sad he won’t be here to have a promotion ceremony, but I will do something absolutely ridiculous (like put his uniform on the boys and promote them) while he is gone and throw a delayed promotion party when he returns (turning 30 style).

Today is Father’s Day…obviously…and I expected myself to be more emotional than I have been. Maybe I am just used to absence from deployments or other things and well the other obvious…anyway, I am just going to write about what today means to me. Today means love. The purpose of Father’s Day is not to celebrate men that create babies….but rather men who FATHER them. Sometimes fathers are biological, others become fathers in less traditional ways…adoption, marriage, etc. I rarely talk about Olivia and my past. I don’t talk about it because I am ashamed that I let a man harm me. I don’t talk about it because I just don’t want to explain it to anyone. I don’t talk about it because I don’t want it to become a part of Olivia’s story in the same way that it is mine. I don’t talk about it because I have been judged for good decisions (Frank)…so I don’t want to hear what people say about my mistakes. Her biological _________ made a choice not to be a father…it was masked as an act of love…but I know different. I think that if Olivia never experienced a Father’s love then I would be bitter about this, but fortunately for both of us she did. She does. I’m okay with our past and the way things turned out because without those struggles we would never have found Michael…and our lives would have never been blessed with the boys.

Olivia was Michael’s little Princess…he used to say he didn’t want any more girls because he only wanted one Princess to look after. One Princess to love, one Princess to give a hard time to, one Princess to give away some day. Michael was no less devoted to Olivia than he was to little Michael and in the final weeks of his life Landon as well. He cherished them all. They were all his children regardless of biology. He would look at them and just giggle because they brought him pure joy. One of my fondest “Daddy” moments with Michael is when he ran into the house and dragged me (39 weeks pregnant) to the back door of our house so I could listen to Olivia “swinging and singing” with Michael. He laughed so hard and his face lit up like a Christmas tree. I wish that the kids could experience his love every day. It is hard to know that they won’t, but I find comfort in the love that they do experience from Frank. Michael took on a mom and a baby…and Frank took on a mom, widow, and three children. I am blessed to have found two men in my life that are selfless. I am blessed to have been and to be loved by them…and so are the kids. Both of them set aside the lives that they had been living to step into a crazy world with me. Both of them have shown the kids what it means to be a father. Today isn’t about genetics in this house, but rather it is about the people that have been brought together and the love that is shared between us all. When the kids get older they can say our FATHERS loved us with confidence.

I’d like to say that one of the best things about Frankers is that he has taken to heart the fact that the children come first. He stands by me and protects their hearts and honors Michael with me so that they can grow up happy and also be proud of Michael. Looking back at the early days of Frank and Amy I can clearly see that his attention and devotion to the children is what sealed the deal in my mind and my heart. The fact that he just loved them and cared for them no matter what, made me fall head over heels for him. We could have stayed friends, nothing more, and Frank would still have been a presence because the kids have always been that important to him.

My life is what it is. Frank hates that saying…but it is true. I can’t change what has happened. I can’t change what the kids and I have endured or lost. Frank is the best thing that has come out of this tragedy for us, just as Michael ( and the boys) are the best things that came out of the horror Olivia and I ran from. I look at my life, all of it, and I couldn’t ask for anything more…

*edit* I forgot to mention that yesterday I checked the mail a day late and I got the best thing ever on Father’s Day…Olivia’s new social security card. I have had her birth certificate for quite some time from the termination of parental rights and name change…but Social Security gave me heck getting her card. We reapplied…again…Wednesday and almost didn’t get it!! They wanted school records instead of her shot record, which I don’t have. Each time it was something new! My tears of frustration with them probably pushed the lady into accepting the shot records (which is perfectly acceptable according to their website and all the letters I have been sent by them). So, I have it. She’s completely a Roy. There is nothing left with her former last name. I showed her and she squealed with joy. I sent a picture to Frank and he said, “Nice.” (That’s like awesome or sweet to everyone else). The draining process is over!

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