Why I shed a tear or two

Michael,

Sometimes I just miss you and there is not a thing that I can do. It physically hurts to know that I will never get to talk to you again on this earth. I wonder about Heaven too. How will we meet again? Do I lose my chance to see you in eternity because I love again? Silly questions I guess, but they are things that run through my head. I am sitting here, tears streaming down my face for no clear reason, just thinking…do you know what I do? Do you know how I am? I am well, and I am not well in the same breath. I am complete, and I am incomplete in the same instant. How weird is that? There is my life before, my life in between, and my life now. Those three parts seem to be all that matters. The life before isn’t that long…it is just the time we spent with you. The life in between is even shorter…but it runs into my life now. It runs into it and through it and it is in some way part of today. That makes sense to me…it would to you…but I am sure to no one else. I need to gather myself…
I was reading our emails (from myspace–haha, I know! I can’t give it up) last night because I am trying to compile everything into one place for a future project and I was struck by these two below. They have been on my mind since I read them. I think that along the way you gave me all the information that I needed to survive this. I missed a lot of it, but it was all there waiting for me to find it again. The bold parts are the most important, but I couldn’t leave out the rest because it helped explain what the heck you were talking about. I think that you hit the nail on the head… (because now I know that there is another way and it is you. There is someone who cares how my day went and why I am sad, there is someone there to go out of there way to make me feel better and cheer me up and show me things are going to be ok, and there is someone there saying they need me…that my life has a purpose and that is to do the same for them as they do for me . There is a companion to grow old with and think about life, to share little secrets and create our own world as we like it, away from all else. That person is you.)…that is where the emptiness comes from. The fact that you have this person that cares about everything, from what time you woke up to how you stubbed your toe on the bed post when you laid down at night, and then that person is gone. There is no one there to care, at least not like you. If I called someone to tell them I stubbed my toe, they would think “Why does she think I care?” but you would have cared…you always cared. I lost the person that took the time to make me laugh, even when I was weighed down with my troubles. I sat for a long time so completely burdened with your death and there was no one there to make me smile…or at least I didn’t notice them if they were because they weren’t you. I felt the same way, like my life had a purpose with you, when you were taken from me it was devastating because I felt like my purpose was gone. I couldn’t see another purpose…it came to me eventually, but I was blinded by my pain. My companion, gone. What else can I say? The plan, gone. So unfair. No more secrets, no more Mike & Amy’s world…it was just Amy’s world and it was a terribly lonely place. (I don’t ever really leave you.) It felt like you did. It felt like you did for a very long time and sometimes I can’t imagine that you are sitting here watching me get on with my life…but I know that you are in my heart Always and Forever…because that is what you said. You said you would be there, you would love me Always and Forever…and I believe you. I sometimes wish I had more tangible evidence that you are here…but then I think I would be creeped out…so I settle into the evidence in my heart and the knowledge of our relationship. The reality that while there were other things (your job) and people (family and a few friends) that were important…nothing mattered more than our family of 5. (feel good because that pain you feel is a by product of love) It is weird…but you are right. I wouldn’t be in pain if love was absent. Isn’t it strange how something that can bring us our greatest joy can also bring us our deepest sadness. I have to be happy (not with the pain or the loss) but with the love and the time shared. That is what is important.
I want you to know something…the emptiness is lifted. There is still that deep pain and the sadness hits me sometimes and I cannot control it, but the emptiness is lifted because I have found someone that completes my day. The ache is constant…and I still can’t seem to get through a day without tears, but each night my day ends. There is no more limbo. That is really the remarkable thing about Frank and I. It is not that he is good with the kids (that is a blessing), it is not the love that we share, it is that we complete each others day just like you described. I was on the phone with him just the other day and I was holding back my tears as I explained this very thing (and then I found it in your words last night!). Being apart is hard because your best friend is missing…because when the kids do something silly…or when you accomplish something really great you have to wait to tell the other person. That thing that happened doesn’t really happen until you tell the other person. That is part of what being in love is all about…not just the feelings that you get when you are with the person or when you hear them say your name…but that the other person is the punctuation to your sentence. The other person is what makes things real. I missed that…
I don’t know if I completely understood this email the first time that I read it. I marvel in the fact that you wrote this exactly one year after we first met and exactly one year before the birth of our son. There is just something about March 21st…I understand now though that the first deployment that you went on was as painful for you as it was for me…. I understand now our choices….when they didn’t always seem rational to us (or maybe others)…they still made sense in our mind and they still do. We both gave things up…some things more painful than others…but they just didn’t matter because all of it…people, things…didn’t provide us with the proper punctuation. Like I said…losing that daily finality was painful…I still feel like a piece of me is gone. I still feel sometimes like I need to tell you things and that the person before this and in between now will never be complete. But the person that I am today is, in a way that I can only try to explain…
Thank you for all of the words that you have given me to help me carry through. I love when I discover things that I have forgotten or that I do not remember. They are special to me…they give my soul direction. Don’t shed anymore tears…I wish I could promise you that I won’t…your pain is gone and now it is mine to bear. That is the beauty of life after death.
The thief with the Sunflower eyes who stole your heart…

*I apologize ahead of time if this is not an easy read grammatically…I spell checked the words to make it easier to read (Mike was a horrible speller), but I didn’t change the grammar and I didn’t cut anything out because it all mattered. Some of the sentences won’t make sense to you…but they make perfect sense to me.

Subject: Why I shed a tear or two

Mar 21, 2006
Sunflower eyes,
Today was a good day for me, I realized something else. I know why we are meant to be. It really doesn’t make sence but it is true. because we want to be. I know it doesnt seem like the answer we where looking for, we both where looking for this great cosmic stars aligned right answer. But it isn’t like that. We are meant to be because I know we truly without a doubt want to be. Because it seems that life together as hard as it may be. Is far more rewarding than going our separate ways. I can’t read your mind as you can’t read mine but we both have admitted to saying I love you and you are my life. That is a bold statement, because that means that without you there is no reason to exist. Besides the fact of Olivia of course, but you choice in that matter was far less than your choice in this one. I have always knew you loved me and that you wanted to be with me but last night when you wanted to fall asleep on the phone with me it made me realize that you truly do want me there. That me being on the phone with you whispering I love you and goodnight beautiful actually dose comfort you. You really do want me there. I know the feeling of emptiness and doubt that come with deployments, you begin to think would I be happier alone, or would you be happier alone? Because when your alone there is no waiting to come home, there is no longing for a person, or thinking how close but so far away…because it is easier to come to terms with there being nobody there cause there is nobody. I understand that I really do. It is hard. Love brings so much joy and so much pain. But I truly believe with all of my heart which has been given to you unconditionally that it is worth it. Because knowing that there is no one else and I am stuck and alone and I have to comfort my self…there is no other way, it is just not what I want. I want you. because now I know that there is another way and it is you. There is someone who cares how my day went and why I am sad, there is someone there to go out of there way to make me feel better and cheer me up and show me things are going to be ok, and there is someone there saying they need me…that my life has a purpose and that is to do the same for them as they do for me . There is a companion to grow old with and think about life, to share little secrets and create our own world as we like it, away from all else. That person is you. I haven’t felt like I’ve had a companion since Richard , I have had many people I’ve known and trusted, but not one since Richard that I have cried for and the only reason I cried for him is when he died. I made it a standard that I won’t cry for anything less than that, and I cry for you. because what me and Richard had was good friendship with a different bond. But what we have is stronger cause I could leave him and do what I wanted but I can’t leave you, not for anything. Sometimes I have to, but I don’t ever really leave you. Any way feel good because that pain you feel is a by product of love, it will make you doubt and it will make you cry sometimes, but remember it is there as a reminder of how great it is to be together I love you Amy Marie Always and forever
your future husband Michael C. Roy
March, 24th 2006
The pain we bear is for the ones we love.

One thought on “Why I shed a tear or two

  1. that is the most beautiful letter i have ever read.. that is what he had said to me before he met you that he wanted his life to have purpose. and when he found you, you gave that to him. i thank you for that and will always cherrish you for doing that for my son. he had a deep love for you. and it is still there, no matter where he is.

    Like

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