Don’t start believing…

Tonight I laid down in bed with the kids and Landon said, ” I miss my Daddy.  He shouldn’t went to heaven.”  Immediately, Olivia with her big heart of gold, pulled her picture of Michael out of the pocket of her Daddy doll and handed it to Landon.  He laid in bed and stared at the picture and then held it to his chest.  I cannot describe how difficult it is to carry their heavy little hearts so full of grief through this never-ending journey.  It truly is exhausting.  As I laid in the bed and looked at the poster sized picture of Michael on the wall all I could think was, “I don’t believe it.”

It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, it is still hard to convince myself that Michael is gone.  How can someone, who was such a present part of my life, be gone???  I experienced death before Michael, and it was sad, but nothing can compare to losing a spouse.  When you lose your spouse everything ends.  I am not saying that it hasn’t been difficult for others, but I know that others still have their families, job, and lives to take care of.  I do too…but when a daily piece of mine and the kid’s lives is forever missing, it is not as easy to function or move forward.  Everything changes. I don’t want to start believing…even though I know I have to.  It is a daily acceptance, and I think that I have realized it always will be.


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