Struggling…

I tried in my last post to let go of the fact that my words were stolen…and I sucked at it.  That is mostly because finding that out took some of the joy and healing away from me (when I write).  I have decided that I will make my blog public again, I am very wary to do this honestly. However, I feel a very strong pull to worry less about what other people will do with my words, and more about talking with my heart so that someday, maybe, what I say will touch someone, give someone a little healing bump, or even inspire someone to look at life a little differently.  

Struggling…

 

I have been struggling with everything lately.  Missing Mike.  Missing Frank.  Keeping on schedule. Getting things done.  Getting to sleep at night. Running. I feel like I may have too much on my plate, but I also welcome my busy schedule because until I am home at night I don’t think about everything I am missing…just what I have to get done.  I cleaned my house today and that was a relief, but I feel like I need to get into the garage and start getting serious about finishing the process of going through Mike’s things.  I revisit this a lot.  I have things in my room and closet.  Uniforms and such.  I have things in the garage.  I just don’t know what to do with all of the stuff.  I heard an elder woman in the grocery store talking today about her mother’s house and the process she is going through cleaning it out since moving her to a nursing home.  I couldn’t help but think that holding on to things might mean that I leave a bigger burden for the kids than necessary.  I just don’t know where to start…what to keep. I will work it out eventually, it is just all on my mind.  I am certainly ready for Frank to come home…he seems to have a silent way of guiding me through these waters.  Just to have him sit next to me as I carefully consider each item in Mike’s trunks…and generally place them back in the same spot to carefully consider again, and again, and again…is calming and the only way I really want to get through anything.  Frank by my side.  

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