No contest

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”

Matthew 18:10

Recently I was told that soon I would have to make a choice between homeschooling my children and being a teacher. It honestly offended me that someone said that to me. I really didn’t understand at the time why, but as I have thought about it I think it has a lot to do with why I have chosen to homeschool. Without getting in it too deeply I feel like my first charge in my life is to be a protector, uplifter, motivator, and downright powerful presence in the lives of MY children. I feel for our family, for me and my children, that this is best carried out with me being a stay-at-home Mom and teacher. It is not for everyone, it is for us, and I respect that others do not or cannot do things my way.

I have failed often. I have yelled at my children when I shouldn’t have, put myself first at times, and forgotten that they are the biggest gift I will ever receive in this world. They are also among a handful of good choices that I made in my life. So, you (possibly) could imagine what reading this Bible verse did for me today. I will still fail, I will make big mistakes and I am sure I, being that I am a human, will make selfish decisions. Going to school to be a teacher is not one of them. I do not know when I will be a teacher for the public, but I will always be a teacher to my children. Educating myself for them, is just as important as educating myself for my future.

Others might not understand my perspective, but I see things more clearly now than ever. Having Michael in my life was a beautiful gift. He loved me and nurtured me and changed my heart and soul. He in part gave me my children too(with God’s help of course). I thought when he died that I would die. Some days, many days at first, I really wanted to die. I will never understand fully the why, but I am not meant to. What I do understand is that one of Michael’s greatest purposes on this earth was to teach me to love, to not give up, and that healing after pain was possible. He taught me all that before he died. Today, I am oddly comforted by the fact that his pain is over. He will never again have to experience the things that I will in this world. I don’t know if I can say today that his job here was done, but I can say that he did enough. My job…my job is not done. My job is not to become a NCIS agent like I dreamed of when I began my MA in Forensic Psychology. My job is not to work in law enforcement at all like I had thought. My job is to be a Mom. Sometimes I wonder if I do enough. If I am even good at being a Mom. It is a good reminder to always, always, always, remember to be good to your children, whatever it takes, be good to them. Not BECAUSE angels or God are watching but because they are a gift. One that some people will never experience. One that some people, like Michael, leave the Earth before they can fully enjoy.

Like I believe that Michael was meant to be in my life, even though I feel we didn’t get enough time, I also believe that loving Michael and losing Michael prepared me for my life with Frank. Being away from Frank is hard. The entire three deployments Michael and I went through in no way shape or form could have prepared me for the difficulty of Frank being gone indefinitely now. I have days where it feels like I am suffocating in his absence. I have made a lot of decisions on my own this year, that I wish he could have been a part of. Homeschooling is something he wasn’t completely convinced I should do. Not because I couldn’t, but because he doesn’t have my perspective…

Things are different now and this Bible verse speaks many things to me. First, my children have to be (and have been for a long time) my number one priority. Second, they also have to be a priority of others in our lives. Third, I must be intentional in everything that I do. From how I speak to my children, to their education, I must be intentional. Fourth, I am here for a reason. I hate that saying, but I also know it is true. I can’t say I can apply it to Michael’s death, but I can apply it to life. I feel that my children are my reason because more than once I could have been no more.

Fifth, I choose my children. It’s that simple.

*unedited*

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