Too Many More To Go

Two weeks ago we got word that Frank won’t be home for several more months.  It really was hard to swallow.  I had hoped that January, maybe around Olivia and my birthday, Frank would be home.  This means a lot of holidays and first days without him.  This month was Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, the Marine Corp Ball-just a time that makes me sad (which I skipped because the reading of the Fallen, which up until this year was only Michael from 3rd is too much to do alone), my anniversary.  Next month is the obvious Christmas and the New Years and our birthdays.  I hate Valentine’s Day…so no worries there….

I miss Michael. A lot.  On top of missing Michael I am missing Frank too.  I generally do a really good job of holding back and not complaining, but I have been dealing with a back injury for over 2 months now.  It has gotten really bad in the last month, to the point where I had to have people come and help me do everyday things.  Frank obviously is privy to this information because when he calls he sees the pain in my face.  This makes it even more difficult for him to be away….simply because he knows that things are less than okay.  I don’t like him to worry.

It is weird, missing them both.  It is a relief when Frank is home and I only miss one person every minute of every day.  But missing two…it is beyond suffocating.  I always felt, before this time apart, that I was fine.  I was making it and I was strong all on my own.  I realize though that I am not.  I make it through each day because I have their love.  Both Michael’s and Frank’s.  Michael carried me through that first year…he carried me to Frank.  Frank picked up the pieces of me that I could not pick up myself.  I have never felt like I need other people to be happy…I am sure that I could find happiness alone, just the kids and I, but I don’t want to be alone.  I don’t think we are designed to be alone.  I would have been okay, but with Frank I am better than okay.  I hope someday that all the people who didn’t like every little decision I made…or that they thought I made…after Michael died will see that the kids and I are better off with Frank and his family in our lives.

Anyway…we decorated for Christmas yesterday so I am worn out and teary eyed.  I am without the two men that managed to make me sane and keep me that way and I am not entirely prepared to tackle this holiday season without them…

Yes, I know they are with me though they are far away…but it isn’t the same and that is what makes it so BLAH!


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