Even with all the time we spent away from each other and all the mistakes we both made, I never knew the lonely could be so lonely. I do not think it is something you can truly know unless you experience an unchangeable, permanent separation. It is nearly 3 am and I am still swimming in my tears. That part of me that is forever empty is raging out of control…I physically feel a pain in my heart for you. I just want to hear you whisper my name one more time…see how beautiful our children are.
It is funny in a not so funny way, I was fully prepared to write today about how it is time. About how I have started planning my and Frank’s wedding because I know it is time. We are getting married and I know it is right and it is good but my heart is still broken. I guess I thought that when I decided it was time, that somehow it would magically heal. Somehow the pain would all be gone. I fooled myself into believing that was true…I just need to stop trying to fill the loneliness of you because it will always be there.
Even with all the time that has passed I don’t know what to do…I will never stop loving you, missing you, wanting you, or needing you. I love you when Olivia smiles, because I know that her smile is what you gave to her. I miss you when Michael laughs, because it is undeniable that he got that from you. I want you when I see Landon’s beautiful blue eyes, because they are the same eyes I stared into so many times. When he laughs or acts silly they glisten the same way yours did…every time. I need you when the lonely comes and won’t leave my heart…
I know a lot of people won’t understand any of this and that’s okay…I’m glad they don’t. If they did then they would know my pain and it is a terrible pain for me to have. I’m glad I feel it all and you are free from this world. I never wanted you to have a broken heart…God willing this will be the deepest pain I feel until I’m old and gray.
Always and forever…