Today I am just not doing well.  I wish that I could say that I was, but I am not.  I am getting through the last of the “hard days” before my enter my reprieve period.   It sounds so weird to say that, but it is true.  Once I get the kids settled into their new classes, Olivia into 2nd grade, Michael into Pre-K, and Landon into his first preschool class I will be okay.  It is so very hard to do things with Michael missing.  I wish that I could adequately explain how I want to hand Michael to my children on a platter.  How bad I want to say, “Here, here is your Daddy, he isn’t missing a thing.”  It so totally sucks that I cannot do that.

The other day, on the way home from Ohio Frank and I were talking a lot about Michael and my feelings and I cried for three hours straight in the car as he held my hand.  I feel so very lucky to have him, it is strange that I feel so very happy and content to have such a good man there for my children and I, yet there is always that underlying pain.  It feels so good to be so much in love and to know every night as I lay down to sleep that this beautiful man God sent me is in love with me too.  I see it in his eyes and I feel it when he wraps his arms around me and I know it deep down inside when he tells me.


Written 8/15/2011

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